Depression, mental illness

Out in the Darkness

Last year I made my New Year’s resolution to write a blog every week. The perfectionist in me felt that this was doable. It’s only fifty-two posts after all. For the first half of the year I succeeded. I wrote a post every week. Even as I went out to Hollywood, and then Tennessee, I made sure that I had something written for the week. My desire to be my best, to do more, to be everything to everyone pushed me forward. I couldn’t give up, I’ve come to far. Then, out in the distance I saw more of the same.

An overwhelming sense of darkness fell over me, and I was unable to care about one of my favorite things. I have gone years without writing. The torture of having words trapped in my head, with no place to go was enough to keep me stuck. Self-sabotage. It is one thing I mastered early in life. If I could make myself feel miserable, no one else could. I could deprive myself of joy, and the darkness could linger. I didn’t like the darkness.

I believed that to be true until recently as I watched the days, and then weeks pass by without allowing myself to release the words, and find joy in doing something that I love. Secretly, I craved it. I long for the normalcy of the miserableness. Changing what you know is a layered process. I wanted it to be fixed now. I didn’t have time to wait for it to go away.

I lit a candle to illuminate the darkness, to give the appearance that it was gone. This worked for a while. But the real issue wasn’t being addressed. The desire to be all and do all takes too much of me. I give, and empty myself, but no one replenishes what they take. I smile, and push ahead. The smile is much like the candle. It hides the truth. It shows what people want to see.

I was trapped. Stuck. The depths of darkness held me tight. Whispering….shhh…and erasing all the creativity that I had. The longer I waited for the words to release, the stronger the hold of the darkness was. I couldn’t shake it off of me, even now I struggle with finding the words. Breaking the silence, and freeing myself from the weight of the shadows.

I know the darkness will always be there. I know that the light will always come. Knowing is half the battle.

To the darkness.

To the light.

2 thoughts on “Out in the Darkness”

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